Are you happy now?
by VanessaWolfe724
Summary: Bella never jumps off the cliff, Edward returns to Forks just to check on her. She seems happy, but will he be able to keep his promise that Bella's life will be as if he never existed? What about when things change? Warning: Lemons!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Lime? Please review!

I was running.

It had been one year, ten months, seventeen days, nine hours and three minutes since I had seen her. Since I spoke those lies. Now I was running because I was weak. I had thought I could be stronger for her. Running back to her because I am weak and selfish, I had given up.

I am only going to check on her I told myself. Three minutes and ten seconds. With my minds ability to think of several things at once, the time had been easy to keep track of. (Even without that, she still would have been in my every thought.) Every second that I managed to stay away was a minuscule victory because it was keeping her safe. And every second was a struggle. Time means little to an immortal, except when every second is agony. This was what was best for her, and I knew that.

I was getting closer to the house. It had not occurred to me until just now, what if she no longer lived with Charlie? She was close to 20, had she gone away to school? If she had I would be happy for her. She deserved a normal life free from monsters. I told myself as I ran silently through the woods that it was only to make sure she is safe and happy.

The wind blew just right, and her scent hit me and stopped me in my tracks. She was still there. As soon as I caught her sent I knew that it wasn't for only her, it was for myself. I just needed to be near her, more than anything. So selfish. I stood still remembering her scent, breathing it in through my nose. Preparing myself to be near her.

I started towards the house again, but slower this time, listening for the thoughts of the humans who lived around her, there was nothing. Every one asleep, good. As I got closer I could hear Charlie snoring as always. A moment later two heartbeats. I could pick out hers so easily, from any number of humans.

How many times had I laid my head on her chest and listened to it? I could see the house now, so close to her after so long. Her smell intensified the closer I got. But I would keep my promise, it would still be like I had never existed. She would never know I was there. I may have been so disgustingly weak that I returned to check on her, but I knew I could not allow myself to do this unless I could be strong enough to turn around and leave again.

I paused under her window and considered this. I will only be selfish for a moment, then I will leave her be. It was summer in Forks so her window was open to the warm night air. I lifted my arms and lept without a sound. Before I pulled my face to the window I breathed in deep. The sweetest scent on the face of the earth. I shuddered at the way it still affected me.

I pulled myself up to finally see once again the girl who was still, the reason for my existence. By some stroke of luck she was facing the window as she slept. I looked at the face I saw in my head every day. Every single day since the first time I'd laid eyes on her. She was still so much more then beautiful. She was curled up on her side, with her arms holding a pillow. She slept in a thin tank top and boyshorts.

I studied her even though I'd already had her memorized for so many months, years now. Had she changed at all? Ever so slightly yes, I decided. She had lost a small amount of weight. A human may not have noticed, but her thighs looked slimmer. This concerned me, had she been eating enough? Humans need to eat so often.

There were four more inches of that hair that smelled like heaven. That I longed to bury my face in. It took all my will not to duck through the window as I had so many times before to hold her while she slept. I had to remind myself it was not nescesary to touch her to check on her well being. It would not do any one any good if I were to crawl into bed with her. If I stroked her cheek with just my fingertips. No, it would not do either of us any good if I gently pressed my lips to the base of her throat. But I still needed to.

I knew I would have been able to without waking her. Well, I had been able to before. Now I could not be sure that I'd be able to stop myself from putting one hand at the small of her back, and the other between her shoulder blades and pressing her fagile body to mine. Not only would that wake her and break my promise, but there was the chance of her being inadvertantly injured in my desperation to be close to her. The desperation that would surely take me over once I could feel the warmth comming off her skin.

I could sit in the rocking chair as I had that first night, or put my face close to hers and let her sweet warm breath wash over me. No, I knew that I couldnt. I would be sure I kept my promise. So I only watched. As chaste as our relationship had been, I let my eyes wander.

Her sheet had already been kicked off and was partly on the floor. The way she was laying on her side caused her breasts to press together. She rolled to her back letting go of her second pillow, and they were no longer touching. I watched them rise and fall with her breathing. I wished that when we were together, I'd found out what the skin between them felt like. It looked so soft. I had drawn such careful lines, but would that have been so bad?

She rolled again and further twisted her clothes. I had never seen so much of her body before. I was lost in wondering what her skin felt like, in the places I could now see but had never allowed myself to touch before, when the talking started. Well it wasn't talking at first. She did something I had never seen her do in her sleep, she laughed. How I wished her eyes were open so I could see the way they used to twinkle with her laughter. Did they still?

"Quit it, Charlie is down stairs!" She playfully scolded whoever she was dreaming about. Who was it? "Oh do you?" She asked. Damn whatever invisible force it was that had always prevented me from seeing into her mind. Was she dreaming of silly crush? Was she in a relationship now? "We have to be really quiet...and fast" She was smiling. Maybe it was a person who only existed in her fantasy.

Her breathing became heavy. She arched her back and dug her fingers into the fitted sheet she was laying on. "Oh God!" I watched captivated as she writhed around on her bed. "Please, please!" What was she begging for? Her talking became less frequent as the dream faded away and her breathing became soft again. Only then did I become aware the sun was comming up. So soon? I could not leave her yet.

I looked at her one more time, and let myself fall to the ground below. I quickly scanned the trees and found a place I could be far enough from the house, and high enough there was no way I could be noticed once the sun was out. I quickly scaled my chosen tree and made my way to my perch. After all, one raunchy dream was hardly proof of her happiness. Once I was sure she was happy, I would go... 


	2. Chapter 2

Sorta lemonish

I sat in my perch listening to Bella wake up. I heard the springs in her mattress as she rolled out of her bed. The soft padding of her bare feet as she walked to the bathroom. She turned on the shower. How I wished I could see into that tiny bathroom as I heard her pulling off her clothes. I heard them hit the hamper and she stepped into the shower. I thought of the steam swirling around her. The water would be running down her silky skin. I heard her washing her hair, every inch of her body. How wonderful her skin must taste right now. She interrupted my thought by turning off the water and stepping out. I could hear her drying herself off, I could smell the terrycloth as she wrapped herself in a towel. The hair dryer turned on. How her hair must smell as it was becoming warm and dry. Not that it really made a difference, wet and cold, warm and dry. Any off the combination, they all had their own unique smell and they all drove me insane. She turned the dryer off and put it away into the closet, then made her way back to her room.

She got dressed, brushed her hair, did the normal routine. As she was making Charlies breakfast I heard him waking up. He was wondering where he should go to catch the fish he was hoping to have for dinner. Not much had changed there. I payed more attention to the kitchen of course. I had always thought it was sweet how she cooked for her father, it was her way of taking care of him. A small thing that spoke volumes about her personality. As they ate the bacon and eggs together they talked about normal human things. The funny noise her truck had been making, things that needed to be added to the shopping list. I learned a few things from picking through Charlies head. She was taking classes in literature at Forks tiny community college. Of course, she must be loving that. And she was working with that imbecile Mike Newton at his family's store. I could not imagine why. Charlie got his fishing gear together, exchanged goodbyes with his daughter and headed out the door. As the cruiser pulled out of the driveway I wondered what she would do now that she was alone. She walked out of the house and looked around, seeming to be pleased at the weather. She wore a fitted t-shirt with jeans. I could easily see the outline of her bra through the fabric. I wondered what had happened to her favorite jeans, I had never seen these ones before. Had she finally worn holes in them? Were these her new favorites? Her long hair moved in the slight breeze as she walked toward her truck. Her keys jingled as she took them out of her pocket. Where was she going?

She climbed into the truck but did not close the the second it took her to bring the key to the ignition I became worried about her driving if it had been making a strange noise. For once I wished Rosalie was here, not that she would help if she was. I considered running through the woods behind her, just to make sure she got where she was going. Surely there would be no harm in anonymously calling a tow truck. Or calling the station to report a stranded vehicle (in detail) so that Charlie could realize it was her, and come get her.

But there would be no need for that because she turned the key and frowned as the truck turned over but did not start. She tried a few more times, then slumped against the seat and groaned, annoyed. She pulled a black cell phone I didn't know she'd had out of her pocket held down the number three. Who was she calling? Had she been having so many problems with that decrepit old truck that she had a mechanic that high on her speed dial? Most phones were programed so that voice mail was one, I assumed Charlie was two. Or knowing her maybe two was the E.R. After only a ring and a half whoever she was calling picked up. "Hey!" The male voice on the other end said brightly. Bella smiled and greeted him back, "Morning." Then she sighed, "It won't even start now." Then Jacob Black promised to come right over. I knew how he had felt about her. I was pretty sure I used to know how she felt about him. But it infuriated me that I could not see into her mind to know if that had changed. I watched her as she impatiently twisted a strand of her hair between her delicate fingers and waited. I breathed her in deeply, greedily. I wanted to taste as much of her scent that I could while I was here. A few cars passed and she raised her head with each, watched it go by. One beeped at her and she waved back as she sat with her leg hanging out of the truck.

She lifted her head from the seat again and a smile spread across her face as she slid out of the truck. I followed her eyes to an old VW Rabbit as it slowed to a stop. Jacob parked in front of the house and his returning grin contrasted against his dark skin. He got to her in two long bounds and picked her up holding her small body to his. I heard that laugh again. Her eyes did still twinkle. But not for me, not anymore. As the pain washed over me I realized yes, her feelings about him had changed. Or maybe she felt this way about him all along, and I had just been standing in the way.

She laughed again as he set her down. "Its only been two days!" His hands were around her upper arms, rubbing them.

"I know but when is the last time that that's happened?" He pressed his lips to hers before she could answer. It pained me to see that, but the kiss was quick and I was glad for it. "Lets have a look then." He said as he let her go. She squeezed his shoulder as she walked away. "Good luck with that. You know I don't have a clue, I'm gonna go make some iced tea." He smiled and watched her walk into the house. As he tinkered under the hood sounds of Bella pouring and stirring came from the kitchen. While Bella was inside his thoughts were mainly concentrated on getting the truck running. But other thoughts were starting to drift into his head. I was only getting flashes of them as he quickly moved from thought to thought. Him lifting up her shirt and peeling it off of her, unhooking her bra. I grimaced as he thought of her stroking him, looking up at him. Whimpering with her eyes squeezed shut underneath him. Were these fantasies or memories? Was their relationship that far along?

"Hun do you want any of this?" Hun she called him. "Nah I'm good." He said with his head still under the hood. She walked outside with her glass and stood behind him, peeking over his shoulder. He was going on about what he thought was wrong with the truck, and the part it needed. But I was not paying attention to him. I was watching her bring that straw up to her slightly parted lips. Closing around it. Her throat moving as she swallowed. "Isn't Checkers Auto Parts all the way up in Hoquiam?" she asked.

"Yeah," He told her as he closed the hood. "But we might as well go up today." She shrugged,

"Not exactly how I wanted to spend our day off." From his thoughts, it wasn't how he wanted to spend the day either. But he knew she would allow none of that until he washed the grease from his hands. They walked back to the house together, she held the door for him and pushed him toward the kitchen.

"Get those hands clean before you touch anything," she warned him. I wondered how many times she had told him that. He smiled at her but rolled his eyes "I know, I know." Soon as they are I plan on doing plenty of touching, he added to himself in his mind.

Once they were in the house I watched her through his eyes. "Charlie out on the boat today?" He asked as he ran his hands under the hot water. I knew why he was asking, he wasn't just making casual conversation. I should have left right then.

"Of course" She answered making a face as wiped the grease off the knobs on the sink. "He hasn't been gone long you just missed him. He slept in today he had such a late night last night." She handed him another paper towel to dry his hands with.

"Oh really?" She'd told him exactly what he wanted to know, and he hadn't even had to ask. Charlie would be gone a while.

He watched her as she walked the few steps across the small kitchen to put away the paper towels. She turned around to face him and leaned against the counter. "Yeah, why don't we stop back at your place before we go though" I hated to hear her say "we" meaning anyone other than her and I. "You need to make sure to return that part for the bike, they only take returns for 90 days you know." Always so responsible.

But he was no longer thinking of automotive needs. "So, Charlie will be gone all day huh?" he asked. It was then she caught his mood. She smiled but did not answer, I heard her heart speed up. The way it used to when I would gently place my hand over it. Feeling her blood pumping under her skin, listening to it, smelling it.

Her hands gripped the counter top behind her. She stifled a laugh. Neither of them moved for 6 seconds. He slowly crouched down like a runner at the starting point of a race. She pushed herself away from the counter and ran towards the stairs letting her care free laughter out. He was right behind her, thundering up the stairs. He reached out to pull her back. How careless! What a child he is, I thought angrily. She could easily fall down those stairs and break her neck. He caught her when she was right at the top, grabbing the waistband of her jeans. She squealed in delighted surprise. How many times had they played this little game?

My eyes were his eyes, so I saw the top of her pale pink cotton panties as he was pulling her jeans away from them to hold her back. She wheeled around to face him, her eyes bright and eager. He wrapped his arms around her and forced her back pressing her against the wall there in the hallway. He stretched out his arms, planting his hands on the wall on either side of her. They were both breathing heavily already. She reached up and wrapped around her arms around his neck, pulling his face to hers. When his eyes were closed I could no longer see was was happening, but I could hear. There were wet sounds as their tongues met. I heard clothing rustling. A zipper being pulled down.

I knew I shouldn't stay, everything I saw and heard would be with me forever. It would be torture to see him do all the things I could never do. Touch her most private places I would never be able to touch. Make her feel good. I shamefully swallowed the venom that I had just realized was pooling in my mouth. I hardly needed to make sure she was sexually satisfied to check on her well being. But how could I resist the chance to see the body of my angel? Her soft skin and feminine curves. I had to make so many rules for her safety there was no way I could have ever made love to her. But if I just closed my eyes now...if my eyes were his, my hands could be his also couldnt they? This would be the closest I could get to being with her. She would be in no danger at all. It was wrong to intrude like this. It was wrong...but I'd done worse. 


	3. Chapter 3

Lemon Lemon Lemon!

BPOV

"Jacob, I love you...so much" I breathed in his ear. I jumped at the sound of a loud crack in the forest.

"Was that lightening?" I asked being pulled out of the moment. Jacob moved both of his hands to my face, and put her forehead to mine.

"Probably just a tree, there are tons of dead ones once you get farther away from the house. You're all right" he promised in a whisper. Even though Jacob and his brothers put an end to Victoria months ago, I could still be skittish on occasion and Jacob knew that.

"I know I am" and I really did. I knew my wolf would keep me safe. Jacob moved his hands to my shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze. He looked at me questioningly. "Really I'm fine" I assured him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." I smiled as he moved his hands slowly down my arms to brush the sides of my breasts. He rubbed them and pushed them together, covering them with gentle kisses. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as rubbed harder with his big hands. He ran his his tongue in a line from between my breasts, up my throat ended with a kiss under my chin. He sat up to slide my jeans off of me. I wiggled to help him along, and peeled my panties off myself.

He layed next to me and looked grinning at me as he hurriedly got out of his sweatpants. I grinned back and reached over for him, rubbing his muscled torso. I wrapped my hand around his length and felt it twitch at my touch. We stared wordlessly into each others eyes and I slowly stroked him. Every so often he would close his eyes and groan quietly. I pushed him on his back, well he let me push him on his back, and rolled over on top of him to sit on his stomach.

JPOV

I could feel her wetness on my stomach and she leaned down to kiss me. I returned her kiss eagerly and put my hands on her back pressing her body to mine. She broke the kiss to scoot down my body. It had taken some convincing to get her to try being on top a little while back. Well, some begging really. We had tried a few positions already, but this was one I really wanted to add to our routine. From what my brothers had told me the view was amazing. She still felt a little self conscious but she knew I loved having her on top. She was starting to feel better about it. Once she got into it, it looked like she enjoyed herself as much as I did.

She reached between her legs to find me. She frowned slightly as she tried to position herself. She looked so damn cute but I knew better then to laugh. Last time I did that she hopped right off pouted for a minute before we went to plan B, good old missionary.

She gave me a self satisfied smile as she settled down on to me.

"There you go baby." I told her as I put my hands on her hips to guide her. I kept my body still and used just my hands to help her get her rhythm going. Once she did I let my hands stray to run them all over her legs. I watched her rocking back and forth. She had leaned her head back, her lips were parted. I did love to watch her, she looked so sexy like that. I found her hands and squeezed them. Twining our fingers together, rubbing my thumbs on the back of her hands. She sighed happily and squeezed back. "Bella...commere" She opened her eyes broke her rhythm to lean down and put her little hands on my chest to keep her balance. Once she steadied herself she started to slide up and down, bouncing on me.

"Oh God thats it, just like that" I encouraged her. I watched the way her perfect breasts moved. I rubbed her back.

"Yes! Yes!" She cried out. We were completely lost in each other. I loved being the one to make her feel this good.

"Oh Jacob, my Jacob!"

I grabbed her and pulled her down crushing her to my chest. I held her close to me and thrust up into her.

"Oh God, oh please" she moaned "Please." She begged me. I knew what she wanted, but I wanted to hear her say it.

"What my baby, '"please"' what. Tell me what you want" I breathed into her ear.

"Please." She begged. "Please, I want you to come inside of me"

"Is that what you want?" I asked her as I pounded her mercilessly.

"Yes!" She shouted. I felt her tighten around me and knowing how close she was, being able to feel it sent me over the edge. She screamed into my shoulder as I let my warmth flow up into her. And I felt her shudder above me as she released hers all over me. I stayed inside of her, we both held each other not even able to catch our breath to speak yet. She rolled off of me and snuggled into my side. I stroked her hair breathed it in. I tucked it behind her ear and kissed her earlobe.

"Love you." I told her.

"Love you too sweetie." She told me as she rubbed my chest. I held her close and rubbed her back.

"Wanna have a sandwich before we go to Checkers?" I asked her hopefully. She laughed.

"No but I bet you do." I smiled at her.  
"Love you Bells." and I really truly did.  
A/N Thanks for reading. If you like, leave a review and let me know :) 


	4. Chapter 4

There's a lemon in here ;)

EPOV

I was not even sure where I was running at first. I had the direction, away, in mind more then any destination. I was certainly not going back to Denali so that I could be under the scrutiny of my entire extended family. I figured I may as well go back to the house we had in Forks. I hoped in vain that I would find some small comfort there. As I sat on the porch I realized it did not matter where I was. New York, Chicago where I was born, or Alaska with my family. Bella was home to me. And right now Jacob Black was making himself at home inside of her. I couldn't help but torture myself further and wondered what that looked like.  
I had seen an adult film once in the 1980's. Emmett left a VHS of it in my room with a note. "You can actually go and buy this shit in a store, can you believe it!? It's humans but still, worth watching!" I love my brother but I had to disagree. It was mostly ridiculous. Humans twisting themselves into the most awkward positions. The women either looked disinterested, or were trying way to hard. They all pretended to, but only one woman actually reached orgasm. It was easy to tell, the way she trembled and her chest flushed. But mostly women making laughable faces (which I did) wearing make up consisting of colors so bright they offended the eyes. I've always been partial to the natural look. So needless to say, the 1980's had been my least favorite decade so far.

I was horribly envious that I hadn't the slightest idea what pleasured her. I had always pictured making love to Bella slowly, and gently. And I had pictured it a lot. I wanted to take my time, let her feel each movement. Take in every caress and every kiss. How I would have loved to pleasure her, make her feel good, make her happy. Her happiness was the most important thing. I could not bear the watchful eyes of my family right now, but there was one of them I wanted to speak to. I pulled my small silver phone out of my pocket and dialed.

"Yes Edward?" Even her voice seemed tiny, my dear sister.

"Well, I assume you know where I am."

"I do," Alice answered.

There was a short pause. "Edward you made me swear I wouldn't tell you anything I saw about her. I never looked for her just like you asked...most of the time"

"But you saw her anyway?" I assumed reading between the lines.

"Yes."

"Often?"

"At times yes." She hesitantly admitted.

"Just tell me. I'd rather not be bothered with coming back to Denali and trying to pick things out of your head when you are not paying attention. You can't keep from me what you know about...them forever."

She knew it was true.

"You have a lot of questions, pick one. Your mind has looked like the pictures revolving on a slot machine the past few minutes, you've been making me nuts."

"How long has it been?"

"Ten months." She answered.

One that had been on the back burner made its way up to the front. I had been too selfishly consumed with my own agony that this had only been a fleeting thought that I doubted was even possible. But I was still afraid to ask. I knew some of the Quilliete legends.

"Is there a reason why he smells so awful? Is he what I think he is?"

"If I answer that, you need to stay right where you are."

But that was answer enough. My fist clenched. After all this self induced torture she wasn't even safe.

"I watched her very closely when I first saw that he is a werewolf. He protects her and be serious, that girl needs more protection from her own two feet then any human can give her."

I resolved then I wasn't going anywhere. How could I? She wasn't safe. Of course Alice saw my decision.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, and the previous request no longer applies. I need to know how she's doing...I don't trust that wolf but is she happy with him?"

"A happy as she can be." Alice said quietly.

"You mean...she doesn't still..."

"Edward I don't know if anything could ever change the way she feels about you. But she has managed to move on like you wanted her to."

There was a short pause. "Just please stay away. He didn't imprint on her but he still feels very possessive of her and I don't want you fighting with him, it's dangerous."

"Imprinting, is that what the kids are calling it these days?" I asked dryly.

"And actually I'm pretty sure he has" I added. Alice sighed.

"That's not what that means, its part of how wolves find their mate. From what I've read it does not happen to all of them. It was actually kind of interesting. A wolf could see a girl every day of his life but before he changes he may not give her a second glance. Then when he sees her after the change, its like instant true love. It's a permanent no questions asked soul mate. And the female always returns his love, what girl wouldn't? They aren't sure why it happens."

"That is truly fascinating." I said somewhat sarcastically.

"Alice just promise you'll pass along anything you think I would want to know." were the words that came out of my mouth. But what I thought was, tell me what she's making for dinner tonight, tell me when she decides what she will wear tomorrow, if she cuts her hair, what classes she is taking, if she is having a bad dream and needs me to hold her, if she thinks about me for even a second.  
"I will." Came her answer.

"We miss you Edward. Love you."

"And I you."

BPOV Jacob Watched me from my bed as I shimmied back into my jeans.

"We still have a little roast beef, there's ham too." I told him.

"Might as well finish off the roast beef" He said taking me in with his eyes for those last few seconds before my clothes were back on.

"Swiss and mustard?" I asked.

"You are so awesome."

I smiled as I threw his pants at him on my way out the door. "I know" As I rooted through the fridge for the mustard I wondered how many sandwiches I'd made for Jacob. Post sex or otherwise. Well, those are the hazards of having a werewolf around. Good thing I enjoy cooking. From one extreme to the other I'd gone. Being with someone who didn't eat, to someone who did it constantly. I pushed Edward out of my head, he still invaded it more then I would like. And it still hurt, the hole would always be there. But with a lot of practice I was able to go about my life so that nobody noticed. I had accepted I would always be in love with Edward, even if he wasn't in love with me. He'd taken a little piece of my soul with him. I knew if I'd had a choice, this would not have been the one I'd made. But I did love Jacob, just not in the same way. As long as I had him, that missing part didn't ache as much. Only when I was alone, and that was very rare these days. I was glad for that.

I jumped as a brown hand reached around and rested low on my abdomen. "Dammit Jacob I'm holding a knife I could have stabbed myself!"

Jacob laughed as he rubbed dangerously low on my stomach. He rested his chin on my shoulder as I placed the lid on his sandwich.

"Bells, its a butter knife." I turned around and handed him the sandwich. "Still though" I muttered.

He grinned and kissed me on the forehead before he took a big bite and plopped himself down in the kitchen chair. I hopped up on the counter and swung my legs as Jake ate. He was the only person I'd seen who ate with such enthusiasm. I smiled at my big, silly, always starving wolf.

*  
On the way to the store we talked about little things. And big things like Sam and Emily's wedding next month.

"Leah is still a bridesmaid?" I wondered.

"Yeah, she's a tough cookie" Jake said. I shook my head sadly. I'd always felt so bad for Leah.  
"At least maybe she won't have to wear something God awful that involves a lot of ruffles" I hoped out loud. "I can't see Emily picking something like that."

Jake nodded in agreement.

As he drove we settled into comfortable silence, we held hands between the seats. I let my mind wander backwards through the afternoon. I still felt a little strange being on top when Jake and I were in bed. He'd told me I looked "so damn hot" riding him but that was the thing, it felt weird for him to be watching me so intently. I thought back to the first time we tried that. I was pretty much just squatting over him, which I sure as hell didn't feel sexy doing, while he did all the thrusting. It did feel good though, he always made me feel good. Even when he went down on me it felt great, I just couldn't seem to climax from it. I didn't tell him this, but I thought it was because I was not able to relax enough. I knew he'd tell me that my worries of looking, or tasting weird were needless. Thinking of that first made me think of another. "The" first, for both of us. Before that first night we made love, we hadn't gone much past heavy petting. Touched through our clothes, rubbed against each other. A few nights before he'd sucked my nipples through my thin cotton night shirt. Privacy was near impossible for us much of the time. When an intoxicated Charlie decided not to drive Billy home one night after they celebrated who ever had won what game that night, we decided we should make the best of it.

We kissed slowly as we undressed each other in Jacobs tiny room. We sat down on his equally tiny bed and looked at each other, two virgins. Inspecting each other and smiling shyly. Jacob was bigger then I thought he would be. I was nervous about the pain that was a popular topic among teenage girls at times.  
He reached out to stroke my thighs. Slide a hand between my knees then up higher. I parted my legs to allow just enough room for his hand. He put the tip of his finger in my slit and moved it up and down slowly. He removed it and I watched him as he put his palms on the inside of my knees. I granted his silent request and opened as far as I could go, exposing myself to him, or anybody, for the first time. He parted my lips with his fingers, and stroked between them with his other index finger. When he found my clit and pressed on it I surprised myself by crying out.  
"Oh!" I slapped my hand over my mouth instinctively. Jacob laughed softly. "No it's OK" He layed down next to me to whisper in my ear. "Nobody will hear us, and..well I think I'd like to. Hear you that is." I giggled at the way he sort of jumbled his words.

I nestled my head into his shoulder as he traced his hand down my body to between my opened legs. He found my clit again fairly easily. He gently rubbed letting me get used to it. I hadn't touched myself much before. Only for a minute to explore. Soon I was moaning softly. He shifted himself so his erection pressed into my leg.

"Oh Jake."

He moved his hand to my breast, as the other one held my head to his chest. He squeezed, pulled on my nipple. "Um ow?"

"Oops, sorry babe" He smiled sheepishly at me and started rubbing my breasts gently. I returned his smile.  
"Are you ready?" I nodded.

He sat up and moved to kneel between my legs. He slid his hands up and down them.  
"Bells you are so amazing, and so beautiful. I love you so much, I always have." I smiled up at him.

"I love you too."

He leaned down and held his weight above me with one hand. He stared at the top of my head as I felt him search for my opening.

"There" I told him when his head found it. He brought his hand up to the side of my head, matching his other one. He started to push slowly into me. He saw me cringing in pain and stopped.

"Are you OK?" He asked his face worried.

"Yes, keep going." I wrapped my arms around him.

I Squeezed my eyes shut as he slowly pushed further into me. He stopped when he was the whole way in.

He pulled halfway out, and when he pushed back in then bottomed out I let out a whimper that was a mix of the pleasure, and the pain I was feeling.

Jacob wrapped one of his arms around me and pulled me to his tight to his even hotter then usual chest. I wrapped my legs around him, hooking my ankles around his back. He sighed my name as he thrusted into me, harder this time.  
With every thrust the pain faded and the pleasure intensified. I clung to him as he kissed me more passionately then he ever had before. I moaned into his opened mouth.  
He moved his face to my neck and kissed, sucked me there. As far as I was concerned that part of my body would always belong to one person. I pulled Jacobs face back up to mine and kissed him again to chase Edward away. But as happened many times he wouldn't go. Not now, dont ruin this for me. Please, oh please.

"Please what baby? Anything, anything for you. Tell me what you want."

Oh God I'd said that out loud. I tried not to look like I was panicked. I had no idea what to say so I blurted out the first thing I could think of.

"Come inside of me!"

He stopped, obviously surprised, but stayed inside of me, "Are you positive?"

"Yes, do you want to?" I asked.

"Oh God yes. You have no idea." He said as he started thrusting into me again. Harder then before.

"Still OK?"

"Yes, please don't stop" I begged as I clung tighter to him out of guilt. As if the closeness of our bodies could fill up the hole inside of me and replace that missing part.

"Oh God Bella I love you more than anything." He panted as he quickened his pace.  
"I love you too my Jacob." I did, but not more than anything.

I still felt guilty.

"If they have the right part for the bike do you wanna ride them tomorrow after work?"

That wasn't part of this memory, how odd.

"Bells hello?" A hand was waving in front of my face. I slowly turned to look at him.

"What?"

"Welcome back, did you hear what I said?"

"Um...sorry." I said slightly embarrassed.

"If they have the right part for the bike do you wanna ride them tomorrow after work?"

"Oh yeah, sounds good." I smiled at him.

He grinned back exited, we'd hardly been on them all summer. The bikes didn't hold the same appeal for me as they used to. I'd long ago said goodbye to the velvet voice I used to hear when I was a poor rider. Thats what was best though, it was best for me and everyone around me if I just stayed in reality.

*** When we got to the store Jacob hopped out of the Rabbit. I followed behind him holding the cardboard box containing the unneeded bike part with the receipt taped to it.

"Jake do you want me to return this while you get what we need?" I asked?

"Sure, that works"

Soon as we were in the store Jacob ducked into the very first iasle, his face became serious as his dark eyes scanned the boxes.

I headed to the counter and got behind the one man in line. The cashier was a girl who looked about my age, with the same dark features as Jacob. Her skin was a few shades lighter though. She was slowly searching for a button on the register. I looked at her name tag, Teagan. Right above it there was a pin that announced she was a "New Team Member." The man in front of me heaved a sigh. She found the button she was looking for then seemed to do just fine. She sincerly thanked the man for his patience and held his bag out for him. He grumbled "Uh huh." took is bag and turned to leave.

I set the heavy box on the counter.

"Hi do you have a return?"

"Yup, it was the wrong size we needed the next size up." I explained.

"Oh well those would be in aisle..." She paused to think.

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure my boyfriend knows. This place is his playground." I laughed.

She smiled kindly at me, then slowly began the transaction.

I pointed to her pin, "So do people cut you a brake because you're new?"

"Well, you are the first in the past two weeks. I'm getting the hang of it though."

She gave a self satisfied smile as the drawer popped opened. She counted the change into my hand. Twice just to make sure.

"Thanks, I'd better go make sure he's not getting side tracked looking at things he doesn't need and can't afford."  
She laughed with me then I turned and headed towards where I could see the top of Jakes head over the shelves. When I found him he was holding two boxes under his arm, and was inspecting boxes, turning them around to read all sides of them.

I put my hand on his back and asked, "Did you find the part for my truck and the bike part too?"

"Yeah, and check this out!" He took another box off the shelf and thrust it at me. But when his mouth opened he lost me until he got to the part when he said, "It would go so much faster!" I smiled up at him.  
"Fast as you?"

"No way" he scoffed. "But pretty fast."

I rubbed his back and stretched up on my tip toes, he brought his cheek down for me to kiss it.

"Go ahead and get it then my Jacob" I knew that look, and the chances of talking him out of spending money on something that could make whatever it was he was talking about go faster, were slim.

"You ready then?" I asked.

"Yup!" He said happy about having such good luck today. He held all three boxes under one arm, and took his other hand in mine as we walked up the aisle.

"So do you wanna ride up by the cliffs again?" I asked as we approached the counter but he wasn't listening. I felt his hand go limp and slide out of mine. I heard the boxes under his arm crash to the floor. He was staring at Teagen with the oddest look on his face. I snapped my fingers in front of his face but he didn't even blink.

"Hun, the cliffs? Hellooooo?"

For a second I thought he may need medical attention and thought about calling 911. I was waiting for his eyes to roll back into his head, for him to fall back onto the floor. But he just stood there. Then the horrifying realization of what I was witnessing crashed down on me. What Sam had warned me could happen when Jacob and I got together. He told me it was always a possibility. That if it happened there would be nothing that could be done. Its completely involuntary, permanent and irreversible.

I knew it wasn't his fault, but at that moment that couldn't have mattered less to me.

I didn't know what else to do but turn around and run. I pushed the door out of my way and ran through the parking lot. I knew he wouldn't follow. I had to get out of here. I couldn't breath. No, no, no this is not happening right now. Think, think you have to think and be rational or you will be stuck. Still couldn't breath. The keys to the Rabbit were in his pocket. Damn. I knew there was only one person who could possibly understand this. With shaking hands I struggled to get my phone out of my pocket. I'd only called this number a few times before to try and track down Charlie. I silently thanked God for his refusal to join the rest of us in this century and get a cell phone. Please pick up. She did on the fourth ring. Good thing because I don't know if I would have been able to keep my brain from shutting off for long enough to form a plan B. I struggled to keep some type of composure, my voice broke around her name.

"Leah?"

A/N: Hope you like please review :) 


	5. Chapter 5

BPOV I sat on the curb outside of the diner next door as I waited for Leah to pick me up. I thought about hiding inside, or in the woods in case Jacob came to find me. I knew that would be pointless, no matter how far away I managed to get it would take about 2 seconds for him to pick up my scent. And about one second for him to catch up to me. But he didn't come looking for me. Like he'd forgotten I even existed, so it didnt matter anyway.

When Leah pulled up she gave my tear stained face a look of pity and sympathy. Probably the way I used to look at her.

Thankfully she was mostly quiet on the long drive back to Charlies. She let me be alone with my thoughts.

It was like he had died. He might as well have. Like I had died. Again. It was not the same this time though. Parts of it were not as bad, and parts of it were worse. This time I didn't even try to push the pain away, I just let myself drown in it. I knew there was no use, it would stay because there was nobody to save me from it this time. I didn't see how there would be any coming back from it.

Later that night I layed flat on my back on my rug. There was no way I was ever again laying in that bed we'd made love in so many times. I was considering burning it.

I heard Leah's voice when Charlie came home. I hadn't realized she was still here. I grabbed the pillow of my bed and wrapped it around my head. I didn't want to hear what they were saying.

I layed there as time ceased to mean anything, My phone would vibrate in my pocket every so often. I didn't look to see who was calling. What could anyone have possibly said that would have made any difference? I'd lost everything that ever mattered. Eventually the phone downstairs started to ring too.

"Bells? Phone!" I ignored Charlie and he didn't call for me again, but the phone kept ringing.

When it had been dark for a while I heard him come up the stairs. He stood in my doorway and looked at me like he was wondering why I was on the floor, but didn't question me about it. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Bella ...Jacob called...several times. Wanted me to tell you that he'd change it if he could? I told him I didn't want to pester you but then Billy started calling to ask if I'd told you so I said I would. I'm not sure what's going on and I know you are an adult now and it's not really any of my business. But if you want to talk about it, we can."

I wasn't sure how to respond so I just rolled over to face the wall. I heard my door close softly.

Things had been so easy this morning. But now the hole felt like it had swallowed me. I just close my eyes and let it have me.

When I woke up it was dark. I wasn't sure if it was still dark, or dark again. Soon as I realized I was in it, I rolled out of my bed. I stood in the center of my room, not sure what to do with myself. I knew what I did not want to do. Be in this shit hole town for one more minute. I sat down at my computer, and waited the usual few moments it took to come to life. When it did I got on the airlines website and searched for flights to Jacksonville.

EPOV

I was in the meadow, our meadow with my legs stretched out resting on my elbows. The same way I sat when she was here with me, in the exact same spot. It had been my greatest test so far, I didn't trust myself to be alone with her. To bring her home again safe. It was reckless, selfish, and worth it in the end. Every second I spent with her was worth it.

My phone went off in my pocket. When I saw that it was Alice I could hardly answer it fast enough.

"Alice?"

"Promise me that you will think this through before you decide anything." She started in not even saying hello.

"Alice whats wrong? Is she hurt?" I blurted out panicked. "Bella is safe." she said as I exhaled in relief.

"But she is leaving Forks today...it looks like Jacob imprinted on some one else."

I was angry that even though I had left to protect her from monsters like myself another had found her. It pained me that she was in pain, I wished I could take it away for her. Could I? I tried to put out the selfish thoughts, did she still want me, was this our chance to be together? Or should I just let her go and start a new life? Again, could I?

While lost in my thoughts I hadn't even realized Alice wasn't saying anything and was probably waiting for a response.

"Alice, should I..." "If you want to see her you aren't going to have to wait very long." she interrupted.

"What?" I asked confused.

"You've got about 30 minutes to make up your mind. She's coming to the meadow. She wants to say goodbye to it before she leaves."

BPOV I borrowed the cruiser from Charlie this morning. I told him there was just something I had to take care of before my red eye to Jacksonville tonight. Red eye, ha. Mine were going to be red anyway so I just took the first flight available.

I stumbled through the woods holding the map Jacob had made for us. I was surprised I still had it considering what happened the last time I was here. Maybe if I am lucky some other mystical freaking creature will be here then I can just die, I thought to myself dryly. I considered myself officially ruined and broken. Jacob had been my security blanket, I needed him in a selfish way. He made the hole Edward left hurt less. I loved Jacob, but I had used him.

I was a horrible person for so often thinking of Edward when Jacob and I were in bed. Sometimes, I didn't even bother to try and stop thinking of him. Jacob had made love to me more then once or twice, while I had been making love to Edward. Now there was some one Jacob loved more, too. So I'd gotten exactly what I deserved.

"Oof!" In my guilty distractions I'd tripped over a root. Annoyed at myself I got up, and brushed myself off. I took half a step forward before I realized I'd actually fallen into the meadow. I stood at the edge with my eyes closed and let the twin pains wash over me. The pain I'd pushed away of loosing Edward, this new pain of being alone.

I deliberately lowered to my knees, leaned forward to put my face in the grass. I inhaled deeply, it smelled so wonderful. I spread my fingers out to touch it. It was the strangest feeling, I felt so at peace all of the sudden. I curled up on my side and took in the flowers that surrounded me, that were my pillow. Maybe I would snag a few to bring with me. I plucked a yellow, a white, and a purple one. A few blades of the soft grass too just for good measure. I wished I could stay all day but I needed to get back and finish packing. Call Phil and tell him to remind my mother of when my flight would land. My phone was in my pocket, but even if I had reception I wouldn't call anyone. This place was his, mine and Edwards. I stood up and put my face to my stolen memories and breathed them in. In a voice that so quiet I'd barley said anything at all I whispered,

"Goodbye Edward, I love you."

"Bella don't go."

I didn't look up. Oh wow, I thought to myself. I've really lost it now. It had been so long since I'd heard his voice in my head but I still could recall it perfectly. I knew I wasn't in danger now but I guess total insanity worked too.

"Open your eyes, love."

I squeezed my eyes shut enjoying what I knew was probably my final delusion.

"No," I whispered "you'll go away if I do"

"I swear I'm not ever going away again, please just look at me."

I usually disobeyed the voice so that I could keep hearing it. I figured this last time I would listen to it, if it ended it ended. If it didn't maybe it would get even better.

So I raised my face, swollen and puffy eyed from crying, to look up. Across from me on the other edge of the meadow was the most amazing creature that has ever walked the earth. His skin shining like diamonds, his golden eyes looking into mine.

"Oh this is a good one." I breathed, my cracked mind was providing me with one last look.

The perfect face looked confused.

"But you are all the way over there" I whined to my delusion.

"Would you like me to come closer?"

With just a half a nod of my head he was in front of me and I gasped. Maybe I had just fallen asleep, was I dreaming?

"I'd forgotten you can do that in real life too!" I said.

The perfect face twisted in confusion further. Confusion and worry.

"Are you all right?"

"No. I know you aren't real but this is the closest I can ever be to being all right again."

He reached his hand out very slowly, like he was waiting for me to object. I felt the cool finger tips trace a line along my jaw. Move down to wrap gently around my throat to briefly caress it, his hand spread out onto my chest and came to rest over my heart.

A vision cannot touch me, I was quite sure of that. I'd dreamed of Edward many times and a dream cannot make me feel like that, no matter how good it is. As it occurred to me that it was actually Edward standing in front of me I shook uncontrollably. My knees gave out but before I could fall even an inch he caught me and held me up.

"But...you said..I...you can't..." I used to imagine what I would say to him if I ever got the chance. So many things, but I couldn't recall any of them at this moment. But I was pretty sure that was not it. Also, falling was not what I had planned to do.  
"May I explain?"

I nodded since it seemed I had forgotten how to form a coherent sentence.

He started slowly. "I left so that you could be safe and so that you could have the human life you deserve, without legends and monsters. It was selfish of me to want to keep you for myself and pull you into my world. I came back because I couldn't stand not knowing if you were all right. When I saw that you were happy with him, as hard as it was I told myself that I would stay close to make sure you were safe, but leave you alone and keep my promise. Then Alice saw you leaving and if you want a normal life in Jacksonville I won't keep you from it. But before you go I thought you should know..." the words started to rush out now "that I have never stopped loving you and I never will. Please believe that if nothing else. There's no way I ever could. You are my everything and you always will be, you have changed me. I had to lie to you in the woods because I knew there was no hope of you ever moving on if you knew how I really felt. I don't even have to words to express how sorry I am. But I'm willing to spend the next thousand years trying to make it up to you if you will let me."

EPOV

She was still shaking in my arms. She was as warm as always, so soft. Of course she needed a moment to take that in. She opened her mouth to speak and I waited on pins and needles.

"I...I want you to keep me" she whispered, tears streaming from her eyes.

"I will then. I will. You are the only thing that has ever mattered to me" I told her as I pulled her close. I buried my face in her hair and breathed in deep.

"Bella love, I know you are hurting right now, I wish I could make it go away."

"You already are" she murmured into my chest. We stood just holding each other for a moment, then I pulled back to look at her.

"When I told you that you are my life, I meant it."

"And you are mine," she said as she smiled up at me. I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to be getting a second chance. That I got to keep her.

I held her face softly in my hands "I'll do anything I can to make you happy." I brought my face down to hers, and kissed her just like I had the very first time.  
BPOV

And when Edward kissed me, I was home.

A/N: Hope you liked it! Please review :) 


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